*speechless*

We were looking and shopping for pointe shoes. Mr C came to the studio to show us different brands, sizes and cuttings. It's normal to hear these from each of us as we try on the shoes, "too narrow, too wide, too tight, too lose, no arch, too arch, too small, or too big". So I asked for the size I wanted.

He told me "wah, you so big, your shoes so small wan ah?"

*speechless*

Thanks! I bought it anyway.

Dealing with celiac

A family friend from Italy says, in Italy, I can get lots of benefit every month because I am gluten-intolerant. Hmm..sounds so 'disorder' right?

It's seriously bad when it is bad la. I started having this problem back in 2001, or slightly before that. It was frustrating and depressing, not knowing what causes the discomfort, not knowing which doctor or specialist to turn to. Then I went to see a gastroenterologist. Diagnosis? ''Too much stress!'. Maybe it's because I did not fully explain or describe the symptoms thoroughly to help him diagnose accurately.

I began to write down the things/food that causes the discomfort. It took me 2 years to understand the disorder. So, it's good to actually monitor closely your own condition. Do research. Ask a specialist, if you have something weird like this. The only treatment is a life-long gluten-free diet. No medications are required, and none have proven useful.

Actually it's (supposed to be) alright if I take very little portion per day. Sometimes it's not as simple as that. Sometimes it's so bad although I take a slice of wholemeal bread, I'll suffer for days.. Say, bagels. I hate it. It makes me sick. Anyway I just hate it.. (And I can't remember how other good stuff taste like too. eg: coffee) So it seems that if I have this disorder, I can get vouchers every month from the government to exchange for some basic supplies and buy special made gluten-free products.

Whala!

Do they have pPizza without bread? Cheese without milk? :p

Happy Friendship Day!

Such a joy to be single..

Doesn't sound convincing hor? But the truth is, I am very happy to be single (at the moment)! Hehehehe, no sweat, no stress.

Q.'So what's up on Valentine's day?'

Answers from the seasoned couples.

'Nothing la. Everyday is Valentine's Day. If today is so special, everyday not special ah?'

'Valentine's Day is money laundering day. Don't get trapped!'

Answers from the singles.

'Nothing lor.. Just another day lor..'

'Great. No need to waste money'

'Enjoy while it lasts man! No need to sweat and headache what to buy and where to dine'

T a g g e d

Rule 1: List 5 weird or random things about yourself ...no I'd prefer 8

1. I have motion sickness even when I drive, ...sad

2. I can't take bread, oats, pasta, coffee with milk or sugar, tea with milk, certain noodles, pizzas, banana, apple, cheese, roti canai, instant noodles, glutinous rice...

3. Always have jumbled-up movies and dreams and deja-vu...

4. Both ankles can produce beats and rhythm.. cool?

5. Laugh with an additional 'pig' sound effect, ...umm yeah..

6. I used to have a dog, Lucky, who eats cigarettes, ...and he is gorgeous!

7. Secretly admire my own eyelashes..

8. Salty sweaty palms...

Rule 2: 5 people whom I want to do the quiz

1. Hui Ann
2. Sheila
3. Edwin
4. Lydia Koh
5. Yvonne

Done. Weird?

She..

My first dream of grandma..

Everytime I hear someone in the family says that he or she dreamt bout grandma, I would think hard and it's like trying to recall in my hard disc and click 'find' if I've ever dreamt about grandma. Never before, till yesterday.

I dreamt of grandma sitting on the sofa at home, looking at each of us talking and examining something. What is that thing? I am trying to envision the dream, trying hard recall of how she look like, I woke up this morning feeling weird, restless and sad. I remember we were at home, at first, talking to one another, and grandma just look at us and nod. Then the entire background changes to a sumo wrestling ring or dohyo, it is no longer in my house. There's a reason why this element was added to the dream. Now I know. It's because I watched Memoirs of a Geisha yesterday night, there was one scene taken at the wrestling ring. Tht's why it's a jumbled-up dream.

Anyway, back to the story. We reassure her (grandma) again and again that she will be alright, she will be in a safe place, God's hands, and she will be free from suffering. She just nod her head. I see grandma sitting on a chair with perfect condition, not wheezing and panting. I cry as I continue to recall the dream, knowing that she is now in perfect condition. Then I see grandma's leg on my brother's lap, but I still see her sitting on the chair, I am confused with what I see, the leg. But why is the leg there? It's awful, huge, and it's like someone has cut the leg and place it on my brother's lap. But grandma is still sitting there, just infront of us. I'm confused. But how would I know if it is grandma's leg? I still recognize how it looks like, especially when her feet has water retention due to the drugs and steroids and her toe nails. It looks exactly like what was decribed in the dream.

I've tried to avoid describing this, but now...

Knowing that grandma is now in a safe place, I still cry and have sleepless nights. I've tried to avoid penning this or even wanting to recall that moment. Before she passed away on that Wednesday morning, 31 August 2005, at HUKL, I saw things that I always thought I would be afraid to face. She was already depending on the machine to breathe on Monday morning. On Monday afternoon, I went to the hospital to takeover my shift after returning from college. As I touch her and try to tell her to let go of her fears, 'don't be afraid to go.. we're all here, God is beside you, just go..' I pray that God would end her suffering, her pain.

As I continue to talk to her and pray with her, I sensed that she was having fever. I looked around and saw a bunch of nurses chatting away, sitting comfortably at the desk. I was very angry. The more I see them talking, the more I want to turn their desk upside down. I recalled, if I wasn't there, no one would have noticed that she was having high fever. Tons of questions was running in my head. What is the role of the government hospital? How can the patients be neglected? How can they (nurse) be so insensitive? How can they be so carefree? What if other patients who has no one to monitor them?

I informed one nurse, and she told me, "oh..... ya lah.. memang akan demam sebab dia dekat dengan banyak machine. machine memang keluar haba (heat)".

I felt like a complete dumb idiot, as if I didn't know that 'machine keluar haba'. If I didn't inform them, they wouldn't know. They'll probably never know. I grabbed the towel and wiped her body while seeing her breathe through the tube inserted to her mouth. Then I see some yellowish mucus in her mouth. As I examine closer, it is the saliva that is trapped in the mouth. The nurse then help me to suck out the saliva using a plastic tube and a pump.

While turning and wiping her body, some church members came to see her. It was Adrian at first, then another group came, it was Daniel, Alwin and Alex. The place was very messy, machines and wires were everywhere. I ushered them into the ward with a smile and continue wiping. Some cried, some prayed, some comforted me.

On Tuesday morning, 2.10am, the phone rang. The nurse told us that she couldn't hold on anymore. I put on a t-shirt and shorts, didn't bother to brush teeth, put on the glasses and waiting for the rest to get ready. We rushed to the hospital and the guard wanted to stop us from entering in a big group. We told him 'our grandmother can't hold on anymore, do you understand?'.

I walk really fast. I was the first to open the Wad Geriatrik door, there were many patients in that ward. Mostly old people, obvious to the fact that it is a geriatric ward. Many were accompanied by either their maid or their own daughter. From far, I saw the nurse have already pulled the curtains together. I wonder who's bed is that? I began to walk slower and slower. Looking at the doctor's eye contact and his gesture, as he walks closer and closer to me, other nurses stood up and looked at us, as my family just entered the ward. I stand near grandma's bed. 'That's grandma's bed..', I said softly, 'the curtains...' I pulled the curtains away, looking at my aunt and dad with my tears flowing down. The nurse had already wrapped her body with white cloths even before we arrive. What's the rush? We haven't even wipe her body and put on her best clothes. We loosen the multiple layers of white cloths and took turns to embrace her. We can't help but to say sorry to her and I couldn't forgive myself for coming late. I'm sorry, I came late.

I asked the nurse 'when? when did she pass away? how long ago?' She showed me the death certificate stated 2.25am. We've just arrived at 2.50am. Tons and tons of questions just ran through my mind. How did she pass away? How can we not there beside her? She must be alone. I started to blame people around me. How can they take their own sweet time while I was downstairs waiting for them to get into the car to rush to the hospital? Why must they brush their teeth? I didn't even comb my hair! All I could think of is 'I could have' and 'I should have' done this, this and this.

At the funeral, I ask dad if I could stay beside her burial ground, thinking that her body is there alone, all day, all night. I want to spend a night there because I know I can’t stay there forever. Just one night, I’ll be fine. Why must they leave so early?

I didn't want to talk to anyone about this, till it was unbearable, I wasn't sleeping well for the first 3 months. It's the guilt and regrets that constantly reminds me of her. I never miss her presence because I know she is now in heaven. But I regretted for one thing: I wasn't there for her when she breathe her last breath and telling her 'I am sorry'. I wonder, I speculate, I couldn't sleep, thinking of her last moment. I knew the symptoms of depression was coming, I try to avoid that. At the same time, I read up on issues about people coping with death.

Until December, 3 months later, Yvonne came back from Australia. We went for a drink at Coffee Bean. This topic came about because she noticed the dark circles beneath my eyes. I am too tired to talk about it. But knowing me for more than 10 years now, she knows when and how to talk to me in this situation. As to the tons of questions that I have, she gave me a few questions in return: Maybe God actually plan for the rest of my family to 'comb their hair, and brush their teeth..' before we rushed to the hospital so that we don't have to see grandma go? Maybe God wanted grandma to take the courage so she could meet Him, since she's always been afraid of death? And this is not a 'maybe', but God is indeed beside her when she breathe her last breath.

It's difficult to see or rationalize things when we are clouded by hurts, problems and sadness. It is like looking at a piece of artwork infront of your nose. Whether it is a beautiful or ugly piece of artwork, you need someone to bring the piece of artwork slightly further away so you can see things in a clearer perspective.